Want jokes

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."

Why did the scientist want to take off his doorbell?

Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize.

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...

I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

I wanted to play as Kobe in my console, but the game crashed.

What's the second to last letter in the alphabet? Y. Cause I wanted to know.

A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?

Spoiled milk.

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

What does Sonic say when he doesn't want to get caught fucking in public?

Gotta Go Fast!

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".

(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

Are you a knife? Because damn, I want you inside of me ;)

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.