Violence jokes

Me: I’m gonna smite the life out of you!!!

Orphan: What! No! Please no!

Me: What you gonna do? Run home and tell your parents? Wait, I forgot, you don’t have a home or parents!!!!

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

What did the terrorist say to the 72 virgins?

"Just so you know, 5 inches is REALLY big!"

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.

The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.

A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"

"Sure," said the little boy.

The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.

"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

When they say beat that pussy, I don’t play so punch it.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?

You don’t need consent.

Sometimes I just want to toss a flash bang into a room full of epileptic kids.

"Namaste, 6 feet away, or I'll blow you away with this AK!"

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.

What do birds and children have in common?

If you shoot them, they die.

Sonic says... April 1st is the best day to do a school shooting. They will think it’s a joke! 😃

Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.

Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they come back.

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

Where did Sally go after the gunshot?

6 feet under.

*That is how deep they put the coffin...*

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.