Violence jokes
The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.
My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.
What falls from the tree first, the autistic retard or the apple?
The apple, because the rope caught the autistic retard.
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?
Push?! He fell...
What do you call a child version of Batman?
The Raped Crusader.
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?
A pillow fight.
When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?
A school shooter enters a kindergarten classroom. Little Timmy says, “He’s my daddy!”
The teacher, Mr. Mortez, screams. Little Timmy then says, “Mr. Mortez, my daddy says you’re a big fat whale and he wants to roll you all the way to Canada!” *pushes Mr. Mortez* Little Timmy says, “Hail f**king Canada!”
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer?
You can’t pull on her hair when you’re raping her.
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: The U.S. in 1919!
Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?
So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.
I actually want peace, not war.
That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.