What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
A guy walks into a bar. He sees a hot girl. He walks up to her and says, "You're getting laid tonight." She replies, "What are you, some sort of psychic?" He says, "No, I'm just stronger than you."
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
Not sure if domestic violence joke or penis size joke...
Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.
A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."
So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
We don't have school shooters; we have special ed breeches.
Gun + Backpack = Fun!
"You look like Barney, I'm choking you too, and your face is turning all purple and blue!"
What's the difference between a Black person and a white person?
Black people don't shoot up schools.
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
