Use jokes
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.
I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.
The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."
The greatest playwright in history found he couldn’t use lances. He could only use "Shake-spears."
I used to know a guy from a nudist colony.
Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on him!
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
Draw an accurate diagram representing the elephant genitalia. Use all 30 sheets of paper provided.
What do cows use for math? A cow-culator 😏
*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?
A telescope has two uses:
1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.
What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?
They have both had a few strokes.
I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.
Here are some rules to make a good joke:
1: Don't say “my life.”
2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.
3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).
What do you say when the toilet is clogged?
Oh shit!
Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.
GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?
Me: My sister.
SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
What’s a guy with Tourette’s favorite app to use? Tiktok.
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.
"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"