Use jokes
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
We used to be the tallest buildings in New York...
Then we took an Arab to the knee.
I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.
A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)
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What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer? The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the walls.
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
What was one cool thing about Hitler?
He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said, "Okay class, what's behind my back?" She said, "It's round and red," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's an apple!" And the teacher said, "No, but I like where you're going with this." So now the teacher said, "It is also used to make multiple things," and Sally said, "Ooh, ooh, it's a container of paint!" And the teacher said, "Again, no, but I like where you're going with this." And the teacher said, "It's a ball of yarn," as she pulled it out from behind her back. Then Little Johnny said, "Okay, my turn." He said, "What's in my pocket? It's round and it has a head." And the teacher said, "That's enough, Johnny, now sit down." And Little Johnny pulled the thing out of his pocket and said, "It's a nickel, but I like where you're going with this."
I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.
Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?
A: Tuba-glue.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
Helen Keller can use Hodled's words because they are so bad.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Yo mama so fat, she uses the Gulf of Mexico as her hot tub!
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"