Use jokes

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Yo mama so fat, she uses the Gulf of Mexico as her hot tub!

What is the difference between an orphan and a candle?

One is used.

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!

Sans: What am I using?

A trom-bone!

Here are some skeleton jokes.

You know the average person tries too hard and works himself to the bone.

If that joke didn't tickle your funny bone, I can give you a real humorous joke.

I used to play the trumpet, now I play the xylo-bone.

I'm always happy; nothing gets under my skin.

I made you some turkey for lunch. Bone appetit!

I'm glad I had you; I'm no longer bonely.

I've got a skele-ton of more jokes, but I'm just giving you one more.

Did you hear about the skeleton ninja? He was very skullful (skillful)!

I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.

Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.

How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?

Tell him that it is a confessional booth.

We used to have a tail on the back... and now it moves forward.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.

I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

Teacher: “Alright, we’re going to play Kahoot! Please use your real name.”

That one kid putting Joe: -_-

Teacher: Who’s Joe?

The whole class: JOE MAMA!

Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."