Use jokes

What is the difference between shroud and a shroud imposter?

Shroud uses reddit, and the imposter uses WJE.

Reddit king and q, I really dgaf what you say, you guys are practically obsessed with me cuz ur leaving hate comments on almost all my jokes, so stop. You're obviously gonna look bad if you just insult meh jokes.

If you guys dont like my jokes, you can just dislike and not leave a comment, ok?

Osama be like: "Fuck boys, runway is full, better use this tower!"

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

I used to know a guy from a nudist colony.

Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on him!

What do ants use when they're stinky?

Deodorant.

Sans: What am I using?

A trom-bone!

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where’s Trump’s clock?"

"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

Don't use Head and Shoulders, just use Head; otherwise, you'll end up in the retarded situation Stephen Hawking went through.

I used to look up to my mom, but now that I am 12, I look down on her.

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?

Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.

When I try to eat, but I hurt my feet. When I using a hoe, but I hurt my toe. When I going to a doctor, but then I get trolled. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I using a copper, but I enveloped by a hopper. When I trying to draw someone, but it ended up with a punishment. When I spit on a bunny, it jumps right on me. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

When I growing older, someone called me a slacker. When I was 33, I bumped into a tree. When I getting angry, people calls me crazy lady. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!

Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?

Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.

Q: What do pedophiles use for allergic reactions?

A: An Epstein pen.

Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.