Use jokes

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

What do cows use to do their homework? A cowculator.

Who needs storage on a computer? Just use an Asian's brain.

I used to be a fan, but after seeing her OnlyFans account, I'm a whole air conditioner.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.

But one day I realized, they Israel.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

My father always used to say:

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

Until the accident.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

Yo mama so fat...

That when she used a jump rope... Every time she jumped caused a giant cataclysm!

Why do orphans use water for their cereal?

Because their dad never came back with the milk.

I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.

What do Phillip Adam and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

What is the difference between me and food?

Food has a use.

I would make a joke about Silver the Hedgehog... but it's no use!

Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?

If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?