Use jokes
I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.
Man, I loved that wheelchair.
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
Yo mama so poor, she used a KFC bucket as a rain hat.
What do depressed people use for emotions online?
They use EMOjis.
9/11 is like genders.
There used to be two of them, and now it’s a touchy subject.
I used to be a banker...
But then I lost interest.
What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.
Confucius say: Never try win head-butting contest with mongoloid. You lose every time, and you only hurt yourself.
Unless he use Mongolian recurved bow... then you in trouble!
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.
I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"
Why don’t Asians use phones?
Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...
The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.
"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."
This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.
"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."
Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.
The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.
The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.
Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.
The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.
After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."
"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?
Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.
When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.
Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.
Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."
Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.
Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.
"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.
Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Treon: I don't care about Vorkie.
Amber: You should, she could be a great person for the company.
Treon: We don't need another one, we got 100 people in here, no need. Now, Amber, please just go make yourself useful.
Amber: Fine!!!!!
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.