Use jokes

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

What do ants use when they're stinky?

Deodorant.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?

Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:

Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

I used to think that Jewish people were a myth.

But one day I realized, they Israel.

What was the most useful tool in the 17th century?

Slaves.

Where are the best shooting ranges in America?

Used to be in schools, but now in subways.

Your forehead is so big that teachers use it as a whiteboard.

What flowers do orphans use?...

Self-raising flour.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

You can't use a pitchfork to get the bowling ball out of the truck.

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Q: What kind of paper towel do they use in special education classrooms?

A: Downey.

What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?

Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.

Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.