Use jokes
Using pi, distract the fat kid next to you so you can copy his answers.
I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.
Man, I loved that wheelchair.
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
I used to be a banker...
But then I lost interest.
What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
What do depressed people use for emotions online?
They use EMOjis.
Yo mama so poor, she used a KFC bucket as a rain hat.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"
The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.
Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.
"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."
This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.
"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."
Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.
The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.
The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.
Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.
The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.
After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."
"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?
Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.
When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.
Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.
Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."
Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.
Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.
"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.
Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"
Confucius say: Never try win head-butting contest with mongoloid. You lose every time, and you only hurt yourself.
Unless he use Mongolian recurved bow... then you in trouble!
Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.
Why don’t Asians use phones?
Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!
Why did the Indian man refuse to use deodorant? Because he wanted to smell like his natural habitat, the shitter.
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...
You're so poor, you use the same toilet paper every time you take a poop!