Use jokes

Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

You're so skinny that your mom had to use a whole shampoo bottle on your head, but she still couldn’t find you.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

What weapon does a fat Jedi use?

A heavy saber.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.

What was one cool thing about Hitler?

He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.

What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

Love is the best picture you can use to be able for her and I was able for her in the best place for her and I have to be honest and a great team of the team and the way it goes is the first 4th year of my life in my life as a new 💕.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

Why are bees' hair sticky?

Because they use honeycombs!

What phone do midgets use?

A MICROphone.

Your hairline's so far back even Bill Nye the Science Guy couldn't use photosynthesis to fix it.

What's white, red, blue, and brown all over?

The American flag I used to wipe my ass with.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\