Use jokes

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.

There is only one reason why I find women useful.

That is because they make sandwiches, but that is about it.

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."

Why was the bee’s hair sticky?

He used honeycomb.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Why couldn't an orphan use a fighter jet?

Because he couldn't use the homing missiles.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

Q. Why was the orphan unable to use the phone?

A. He was trying to phone home.

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

What do you call a Jedi that can use the force to fly?

A Jedi Flight.

If you're feeling numb, use your thumb.

What has to be broken before you can use it?

Answer: An egg.

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

You're so bald that Disney uses your head for movie scripts.

What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.

Why don't midgets use tampons?

Answer: They are always tripping over the string.

Yo mama so stupid, she used a fork to save the milk from the cereal.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."