Use

Use jokes

self-deprecation

    • If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me....

  • 75
    • Use memes

    Condom

    • What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?

    One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!

  • 1

    • Teen

    • Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.

    Condoms 99 percent effective.

    Birth control 99 percent effective.

    Etc.

    Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)

  • 0

    • Cartoon

    • When I was little, I used to think that the people in cartoons were real people...until I turned 7. I realized that it was just people doing voices. Sad, isn't it?

  • 0

    • Gunpowder

    • A father tells his 10-year-old son...

    "Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."

    His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.

  • 1

    • Slur

    • A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

  • 1

    • Head

    • Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.

    Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(

  • 2

    • Libertarian Party

    • Why is it that the Libertarian Party never had a formal president of the United States that ran as a Libertarian that had a presidential library?

    Because the Libertarian Party is the party of principle. The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971 and the Libertarian Party has not won a presidential election since 1972, because the Libertarian Party doesn't believe in using force to achieve political and social goals.