Use

Use jokes

Scarecrow

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

Car pet

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

Chat

Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

Stranger 1: You can't!

Stranger 2: You can.

Stranger 3: How?

Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

(The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

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  • Nun

    Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

    The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

    The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

    One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

    Face

    1. Your face is so ugly, I thought it was deformed. It probably was anyways.

    2. Even if Donald Trump had time to build a wall, it was probably so you won't squish us with your fatass.

    If someone says your face is deformed, just say that's what happens when I look at you.

    Welcome.

    Memes

    Self

    Pov:You start writing son lyrics because you can't stand up for yourself knowing you've lost

    The image is a screenshot of a post on worstjokesever.com, displaying a conversation thread with several comments. It includes comments like 'Congratulations. No one gives a shit', 'Feeling right, looking tight. Come get the drinking shots on the rocks' and 'Ofc you're using song lyrics because you can't talk for yourself'.

    Orphan

    Why don't a gun and an orphan have anything in common? The gun is actually useful.

    Orphanage

    Guys, we gotta stop telling these jokes. They are getting out of h- oh wait no .... Continue.

    Yo daddy so stupid, he threw a Father’s Day party at the orphanage.

    What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? Let’s us prey.

    Forehead

    Kiwi's forehead is so big when he leaves to go to work he has to use a sunroof to drive. 😏

    Computer

    I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.

    Difference

    What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

    I know how to use an exercise band.

    Mall

    Dying mall be like...

    "Toys" were us.

    Goodbye, kitty.

    Dying Canes.

    Eagle

    What do you use to strap an eagle's nest together?

    An eagle-lastic band!

    Wave

    Me: That’s a good WAVE.

    Friend: I SEA it.

    Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.

    Me: I was SHORE it would be good.

    Friend: I SEA what you did there.

    War

    Iran: We can beat the USA.

    Japan: You do realize we beat him in Battleship, and he dropped the sun on us.

    Iran: So?

    Japan: Twice!

    Science Teacher

    I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.

    My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.

    You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.

    I'll shut up now.

    Woman

    I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

    self-deprecation

    If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

    If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

    I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

    If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

    I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

    If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

    I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

    If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

    I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

    My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

    I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

    I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

    I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

    I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

    I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

    My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

    Help me....

    Deaf people

    Dear Hearing People,

    We, deaf people, ain’t dead. We can use our hands to talk, eat & fist your face to give you some 💡 awareness that we can understand you 💯 meanwhile we laugh at you 🤡 We can even dance via vibration through music.

    Do you know the song w lyric like this 👇 *white b.... accent: Ohhh.. MY God BECKY.. L👀k at her butt. IT is SO BIG. *BIG BEAT DROP* I...LIKE...BIG...BUTT...I cannot LIE 👻 I promise we ain’t ghosting around - Brittany Rose.