Plant jokes

What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of garden?

A kindergarden.

If trees could kill you, they wood.

Trees are so social. They're always branching out.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.

Why do people want emo grass? Because it'll cut itself.

Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

What did the tree say to the wind?

Leaf me alone.

I guess that corn is a-maize-ing.

How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Where were the first orange trees 🍊🌳 planted?

In Orange County.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a leaf? Only one falls down the family tree.