Use Jokes

I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.

To bitch them is my real test, to train them is my cause.

I will travel across the land, searching far and wide.

Fuse Pokemon to UnderStand, the power that’s inside.

Poke him on! Gotta train them all it’s Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you’re my best friend, In a world you must defend, Poke him on! Gotta train them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!! Gotta train them all, Gotta train them all! Pokemon!

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.

You're so skinny, you use chapstick as deodorant.

Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.

Why do women only use their left arm? Because they don’t have rights.

What do cows use for math? A cow-culator 😏

Who used to say, "Who loves orange soda?" Kel loves orange soda. Yes, I do, do, do, doooo! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes, I dooooo! Kel Mitchell from Kenan and Kel.

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

Why can’t trans men enjoy chocolate?

It uses Hershey pronouns.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

What was one cool thing about Hitler?

He used to paint his thoughts on the wall with a gun.