Ups jokes

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.

So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.

One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"