Ups jokes

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

Johnny and Jill went up the hill to lick Jill's yummy candy.

But Johnny got a SHOCK With a mouthful of COCK Because Jill's REAL NAME?

Was Randy. 👹

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

What is the worst comedy for disabled people?

Stand-up comedy!

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"

Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."

Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."