Ups jokes
Q: What did the Iceberg say to the Titanic?
A: I'd hit that.
"Are you my homework? Because I want to slam you on my desk and do you all night."
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.
Back in ancient Greece, there was a Greek Skyrim, but instead of FUS ROH DAH, the main character said, "Me damnit, Ganymede, get the #10 lightning bolt, I hate it when Helios lets his kids drive!"
If you don't get this, look up the story of Phaethon, and if you STILL don't get it, then you are dumb.
I beat up my twin friends with a plane.
Looks like he never charged up fully.
A young orphan boy goes to school for the first time. A bigger boy comes and punches him. He says, "What are you gonna do, cry to your mommy?" The boy cries.
Next morning, he wakes up and comes to school. The same thing happens, but the older boy brings his friends. This time, after he says, "You gonna tell your mom?", the little boy says, "Yes, I will tell them that there is company coming over."
German XP farms: Train carrying chained guys.
American XP farms: Walking up to a school with a gun.
African XP farms: Cotton field.
I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.
Why can't an orphan sign up for adoption websites?
Parental Login: __________
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?
You: What?
Me: She let it go, let it go!
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.
Why didn't Donald Trump pick up his phone when Jeffrey Epstein called him?
Because Donald killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison to hide the evidence.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?
When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩