Ups jokes
What sucks about disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?
What did the two crewmates say when they were hanging on a rope? Polus up!
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
when you see a depressed kid, you walk up and say "wassup my lil barcode"
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.
You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
Yo, hairline been missing so badly that the police had to put up a wanted poster for it!
Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
What goes up and down but stays in the same place?
Stairs.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”