Ups jokes
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.
Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
What website should you go to to look up LSD dealers?
TripAdvisor.com
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.
Midget: Hey! What’s up?
Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!
There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
Because the pond was too shallow.
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
Johnny and Jill went up the hill to lick Jill's yummy candy.
But Johnny got a SHOCK With a mouthful of COCK Because Jill's REAL NAME?
Was Randy. 👹
People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”