Ups jokes

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

What website should you go to to look up LSD dealers?

TripAdvisor.com

Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.

Midget: Hey! What’s up?

Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

Why do people come on here just to say that we should not be making these jokes? They literally look this shit up just to complain.

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".

I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

Johnny and Jill went up the hill to lick Jill's yummy candy.

But Johnny got a SHOCK With a mouthful of COCK Because Jill's REAL NAME?

Was Randy. 👹

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.