Ups jokes

Confucius say, female pilot who fly upside down have crack up.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

What website should you go to to look up LSD dealers?

TripAdvisor.com

Sophia matched with a midget on Tinder.

Midget: Hey! What’s up?

Sophia: Well technically everything is, from your perspective!

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

I started crying when my dad cut up onions.

Onions was such a good hamster.

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

"All I want is a good Blow Pop."

"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

"Or adopt Three Musketeers."

"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."

A black guy walks into a store to buy some watermelon and fried chicken. The cashier says, "That'll be $20." He pulls out his wallet, but it's empty. Suddenly, a bigger black guy bursts in, grabs him, and says, "Time to pay up, n***a!" Then he bends him over the counter and fucks him in the ass.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL