Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?

Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle?- cause there are cheetahs!!

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards… The steaks were pretty high

Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!”

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

My bank loves me.

They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

Why do people not play uno with Mexicans… because they are always stealing the green cards

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”

My credit card is more declined the the love from my dad

So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’

Why can’t pirates play cards? Because they’re standing on the deck.

How do you keep a bull from charging? You take its credit card away

guy: Are you a vending machine? because your a snack. girl: Your card got declined. guy: Thats ok you got to bang them a few times to get you moneys worth.

what do crows use when they get a phone? a CAWing card!

WHAT HAS A HEART BUT NO ORGANS

A DECK OF CARDS!!!

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i am a bad punner

Why is a deck of cards similar to a miniature pony? They are both jokers.

what do crows get after they buy a phone? a cawing card

why didnt the pirate want to play cards? Because was standing on the deck!

knok knok whos there? boo boo who? Awww dont cry