Card jokes
Why can't pirates play cards? Because they're standing on the deck.
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...
The steaks were pretty high.
Opponent fist attacks your face, no you can not activate a trap card.
My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Awww, don't cry!
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Why do you never play a game of cards in the jungle? Because there are cheetahs!
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
Why are Mexicans good at Uno?
They always steal the green card.
Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.
Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.
The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.
The man asks, "Is it your first time?"
The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
The Ace of Spades was Hippy Flipping.
How do you keep a bull from charging?
You take its credit card away.
Why is a deck of cards similar to a miniature pony?
They are both jokers.