Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave or does your mortician take it from you?
So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’
Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday. The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go f... herself!”
A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies “It’s been a while since a man has asked me that.”
What if some kid was like, “I’m going to shoot up the school!”, and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Hang on a second.
- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can’t. I’ll pick you up.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I’m excited.
Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B’s.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That’s me!
- Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!