My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
Ups Jokes
I beat up a failed musician until he started crying.
I thought a few hits would cheer him up!
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
If a person with Down syndrome robs you, what do you say? “I’m up your Down.”
Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.
My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
Why do high tides come up so high?
Because they come up to say hi.
Yo mama is so ugly that Rick Astley gave her up.
What hurts the most? 😹
A. Breaking up before chewing.
B. Breaking up after chewing.
Bro has to get a fringe to cover up the big, increasing hairline.
A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"
What went up but never came down?
Stephen Hawking's IQ.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
When does a dyslexic person know when they've spelt their address wrong?
When it fails to turn up.
Chuck Norris came up with the name for Walker, Texas Ranger in sheer brilliance. You can arrange each letter for the name of the show to display the true name being "Wrangler Karate Sex!"
Your hairline got pulled back. You look like you've been climbing Chris, and you got smacked up by Will Smith.
