Ups jokes
What's up with airline food?
Friend: What goes up but not down?
You: Your age.
Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!
Why does the paper follow up with wine because it was junk? Do wrong, so wrong that you don’t even exist because nobody even eats it. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Haha ha ha! Haha ha haha ha ha! Ha hah hah hah ha!
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
Q: What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
Why did the African child wake up suddenly? Because he was being sexually abused.
Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?
Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
I beat up a failed musician until he started crying.
I thought a few hits would cheer him up!
My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.
I hung something else instead.
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
If a person with Down syndrome robs you, what do you say? “I’m up your Down.”
Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.
My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
Why do high tides come up so high?
Because they come up to say hi.