Ups jokes
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.
What happened to Stephen Hawking after he reached Heaven?
Nothing yet. He is still struggling to get up the stairway to Heaven.
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....
Here's a good tree joke to spruce up your day!
I searched up hornets and then said that it will leave a sting.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
What's the worst part about getting old?
Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!
A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."
The other sibling said, "You are, too."
Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."
And the sibling says, "We're twins."
The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."
I was trying to make a joke about fighting, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline.
Q: Why don't orphans turn up to parents evening?
A: Because they don't have any parents.
I didn't put my kids up for adoption.
A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"
What hurts the most? 😹
A. Breaking up before chewing.
B. Breaking up after chewing.
One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.
My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.
What is an old lady's favorite exercise?
Trying to get up from the soft couch.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.
If a person with Down syndrome robs you, what do you say? “I’m up your Down.”
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
Chuck Norris came up with the name for Walker, Texas Ranger in sheer brilliance. You can arrange each letter for the name of the show to display the true name being "Wrangler Karate Sex!"