Ups jokes
Bro, if I die, I want to die blown up by 34 pounds of C4 at a furry convention.
Why did Hitler go for handicap?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
If this pops up on your timeline, fuck you!
My brother eats water from the pig factory at 1:00 a.m., and blames a deaf kid, so he ended up going to solitary.
What goes up stairs but doesn't move? Stairs! Laugh now!
Memes
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
Ebay is so useless. I tried searching up lighters, and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Mommy, mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Sorry man... I kinda messed those things up.
Addison Banks Age (8)
"I'm a little brat who won't shut the hell up! And stop talking!"
2, 4, 6, 8, you're staying up too late.
2, 4, 6, 8, all I do is master bait.
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
When is the last time you picked up the phone?
Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?
This kid lost Kahoot, so he shot up the school.
Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?
You: What?
Me: She let it go, let it go!
If you are disabled and a comedian, is it called stand-down or sit-up?
People are so f***ed up. I belated "Frickin' BTW!"
So a lady came up to me today at the bank, and she asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"