Ups jokes

Why can't an orphan sign up for adoption websites?

Parental Login: __________

Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.

So a woman walked into a bar. There was a man. She went up to him and said, "You're cute." He said, "Yeah, and you don't deserve equal rights."

P.S. My brother made this up when he had no meds... I almost died.

What does ATM stand for?

Answer: Amy’s Terrible Mom.

😂🤣

What did Stephen Hawking say on the stairway to heaven?

Oh, fuck! I can’t get up them.

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

Yeah, I stopped joking about 9/11. My jokes usually just ended up crashing and burning.

Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked...

"What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

Her husband replied, "It's a proxy war between Russia and NATO."

"Oh, right. How's it going?"

"Well," he replied, "so far we've lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armoured vehicles and artillery pieces along with our 'flag ship'."

"Wow! What about NATO?"

"They haven't turned up yet."

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Everyone is so sensitive about racial issues these days.

All I did was burn a couple crosses and I'm up on federal hate crime charges.

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?

The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"

Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"

Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.

This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

Hey, what's up?

I have a friend named Mole.

She plays a game called "sandbox" to dig up dirt...

Tip for Kindness for the day.

Tip one. Always speak up for yourself.

Yes, letting someone else speak up for you is nice but also speak up for yourself, be brave if a mean bully comes along. Speak up for yourself and others if they need it. Best, Gwen

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.