Ups jokes
A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.
The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.
Never gonna give you up.
Joe Mama so fat, when she told a joke nobody laughed, but the floor was cracking up.
Jeff crosses the US border.
The second he crosses into the USA, a guy comes up with a gun.
Jeff: "That's what I was expecting."
What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?
Air quality alert code brown!
I read a sign. What it meant to say is, "You matter, don't give up." What I read was, "You don't matter, give up."
Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
I was sitting in class when my teacher said, "Have any questions?" the suspended Class clown said, "Who's Joe?" So the teacher said, "Joe who?" So the clown said, "Joe Mama!" So I said, "What in the BALLS?" So I ended up staying in detention with the clown, ah, so cozy!
Teacher on school bus, "Everybody sit down now, the bus is about to start."
Ben: "I’m not going to sit down. I don’t want to."
Teacher: "You have to, or else you have to get off the bus."
Teacher: "*stands up*"
Ben: "Then you should get off the bus 'cause you're not sitting."
Annabeth: "Percy, whaters up with you?"
When does an Emo wake up in the morning? After the rooster says, "Cutadoodledo!"
Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF file.
How do you cause an African parade?
You just carry a water bottle around and hold it up!
The guy called up to the orphanage, then he asked, "Where are the kids' faces?"
Then another guy said, "Sorry, there's no homepage."
Why are people so worked up about 9/11? They were just playing Jenga.
Why does fireman wear red suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
I was the person that flew into the Twin Towers. I have two friends that are both twins, and whenever they speak, I tell them to shut up because if they don't, I'll make myself explode in them.
"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret
"Why?" - Depressed boy
"Because he got ran over." - Margaret
"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy
Why did you and Sarah break up?
'Cause she cheetahed on me.