Ups jokes
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, We're breaking up because I never loved you.
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
What was the winning play at the leper football game?
A hand off up the middle.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
Once upon a time, there was a woman named Sarah who woke up one morning to find her husband and his wheelchair missing. She searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, she put up posters all over town offering a reward.
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?
S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom jeans!
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
Your mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
Yo mama so fat, when she went up the elevator, the World Trade Center collapsed.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
Why can't women just shut the fuck up! I hate women. They need to know their place and stay in the kitchen and be baby makers...
What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?
He flew up!
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but couldn't stand up?
I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.
We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.
This category is messed up.
My Mom died in 9/11, at least she was doing what she loved, flying planes.
Imagine going up to an emo and saying, "You're just like a spider, you're both good at hanging."
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.