Ups jokes
A disabled man stands up.
A blind man says, "You can stand?"
A deaf man says, "You can see?"
A mute person says, "You can hear?"
The disabled man says, "You can talk!"
Doctor: "What the actual f**k"
What do pedophiles do when they wake up?
Turn on the child safety lock on the car.
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
What was the winning play at the leper football game?
A hand off up the middle.
What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?
S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Memes
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom jeans!
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but couldn't stand up?
What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?
He flew up!
Friend: Slavery isn't good.
Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.
Me: Shut up and get me a juice!
Kidnapper: Hey kid, your parents told me to pick you up.
Kid: Sir, this is an orphanage.
Kidnapper: ...
Why don't Indians play soccer?
Because every time they take a corner, they open up a shop.
Yo mama so fat, when she went up the elevator, the World Trade Center collapsed.
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
Q: Why do Americans fish with guns?
A: To shoot up the whole school.
Your mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"