Turn jokes

What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?

He became a shell of who he once was.

You're so white that when I turn off the lights, you're a night light.

What's braver than coming out gay? Taking a shit in an elementary school bathroom with those two kids that always mess with you and turn off the lights.

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

Did you hear about the car that turned into a wheelchair?

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, I'm just a burden.

S, ss, slalom. A.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

Q: Why don't orphans turn up to parents evening?

A: Because they don't have any parents.

I turned gay because my wife is too poor.

Some rules of childhood cricket:

1. Whose bat, his batting.

2. Mother called to go while fielding. Then the turn will not be missed.

3. If the Umpire's decision is not acceptable, the decision of the Spectator, Front Uncle, or Neighbor Aunt shall be final.

What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?

A baby with a javelin in its head!

How to silence a black protester at a rally?

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

When you're in a cage But it's not real!

Being in a cage But you have the key.

Being in a cage But nobody sees you.

Being outside of a cage, but it's empty.

Living and realizing you've been born into one.

Thinking someone cared about you But turns out they're toxic as fu**.

But you can't live without them.

The cage Is you. You have the key But you don't know how to use it.

A penguin and a polar bear are sitting in a bathtub. The penguin asks the polar bear, "Hey, can you pass the soap?" The polar bear obliges.

A few moments later, the penguin asks, "Hey, can you pass the scrubber?" The polar bear does. Shortly after that, the penguin says, "Hey, can you pass the rubber ducky?"

The polar bear, beginning to become upset, turns to the penguin and says, "What do you think I am? A radio?!"

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination." The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said, "Thank you." The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, "What was that for?" The third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"

She replies with, "These are my headlights."

He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."

So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."

Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"

My girlfriend's a two, but she's turning three tomorrow.