Worst Jokes Ever
I'm dead! 😂💀💀
You're so skinny, your mom actually enjoyed your birth!
How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
You can hang the picture with one nail.
Sand under docks is very resilient. It doesn’t give in to pier pressure.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a lil' boogie in it ;)
What is a tree's favorite thing to drink?
Root beer.
Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!
My friends: Hi to my little friend!
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
What does a condom and a coffin have in common?
They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.
Your forehead built like Darkseid from DC.
Why did the orphan wait in line?
To see their parents next.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
His wife changed the WiFi password.
Mom: Kid, bring your toys and clothing to the car. We're going to Disney Land.
Kid: Ok.
*Bring kid to the orphanage*.
Kobe missed a lot of shots, but he sure didn’t miss the mountain.
Kid to daddy: "Why do they call it Uranus?"
Daddy to kid: "Cause, son, it's Uranus."
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me...
Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?
A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏
This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Helen Keller.
Helen Keller who?
(Don't say anything).
Helen Keller who?
...you will get a laugh...ty.