Tool jokes
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?
You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.
Why was Santa happy?
Because he had 3 hoes.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
What does Drake call his rake?
Da-Rake.
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"
Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."
"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"
What's better than throwing dead babes?
Catching them after with a pitchfork.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!
Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
"Sticks and stones break my bones."
A crowbar does it so much quicker.