Tool jokes

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."

Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.

What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?

You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A headbanger.

Why was Santa happy?

Because he had 3 hoes.

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

What does Drake call his rake?

Da-Rake.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.

What did one needle say to the other?

"You be looking sharp!"

What's better than throwing dead babes?

Catching them after with a pitchfork.

What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.

A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"

Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."

"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"

"Sticks and stones break my bones."

A crowbar does it so much quicker.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

Q: What's the best way to carve wood?

A: Whittle by whittle.