Tool jokes
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"
Q: What's the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
My latest DIY weapon:
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?
The Titanic.
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.
What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
A telescope has two uses:
1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.
Why have there been so many deaths around the world?
Trees and ropes.
Why did the girl bring the ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.