Tool jokes
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
"Sticks and stones break my bones."
A crowbar does it so much quicker.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
I will never forget my grandfather's last words:
"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?
The Titanic.
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.
What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What did the wire say to the electrician?
"Stop twisting my nuts!"
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
What's a suicidal person's favorite type of bath bomb?
A toaster.