Tool jokes
I will never forget my grandfather's last words:
"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
Memes
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?
The Titanic.
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.
What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
A telescope has two uses:
1. To look in space. 2. To see your hairline.