Tool jokes
"We've invented the spade!"
"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"
Q: What's the best way to carve wood?
A: Whittle by whittle.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
"Sticks and stones break my bones."
A crowbar does it so much quicker.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words:
"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
What is the worst tool to play when playing the game “Icebreaker”?
The Titanic.
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.
What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak? A headbanger.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What did the wire say to the electrician?
"Stop twisting my nuts!"
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.