Time jokes

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

My uncles like the moon.

He comes out at night.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

You know what, I'm done. We are banning "your mom" jokes. They're old, weird, and have been done thousands of times. Just like your mom.

Why does an orphan's calendar only have 362 days? Because they don't celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day.

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Why do orphans commit crimes?

It’s the only time they’re ever wanted.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father’s or Mother’s Day.

How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.

Girl: Your card got declined.

Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.

A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?

The feather, because the rope stopped the child.

What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?

"Time to hit the sack!"

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?

Daughter: *tooth hurty*

Dad: All right.

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!

Doctor: Sit down for a minute.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

What was Hitler's favorite thing to do to pass the time?

Smoking.