Time jokes

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner?

They wanted some family time.

Yo mama is so old that when she was in history class as a kid, all they learned about was themselves!

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?

Wrong тайминг.

Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?

Her sister is a real Dess-ember!

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.

They have to come out of the closet sometime.

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be cumming soon.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

What is the best joke of all time?

Feminism.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"