Time jokes

I'm afraid for my gay calendar. Its days are numbered!

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Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."

Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?

Kids: Because you're a psycho path.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.

Chenle: One time when I was younger, someone asked me how old I was and I forgot. I had to Wikipedia my age to remember.

Jisung: This is the richest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Do you know what my favorite time of day is?

6:30, hands down.

Why did Jimmy throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

I went on a one in a lifetime vacation. Never again!

Yes, you are the one who can get it, and what time do I have?

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?

“What in the world did I just read?”

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.