Time jokes

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?

Daughter: *tooth hurty*

Dad: All right.

Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.

Girl: Your card got declined.

Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.

How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...

It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.

Hi, I love you. You know I do. What a good night of a good time and time to go, oooo!

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!

Doctor: Sit down for a minute.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?

Time to get in trouble!

Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"

Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.