Time jokes
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
Memes
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father’s or Mother’s Day.
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
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Why does an orphan's calendar only have 362 days? Because they don't celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day.
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
Why do orphans commit crimes?
It’s the only time they’re ever wanted.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
Hi, I love you. You know I do. What a good night of a good time and time to go, oooo!
What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?
Time to get in trouble!
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!