Time jokes
Why does an orphan's calendar only have 362 days? Because they don't celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day.
One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.
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My uncles like the moon.
He comes out at night.
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"
Why do orphans commit crimes?
It’s the only time they’re ever wanted.
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
The job keeps sucking after 5 years.
10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father’s or Mother’s Day.
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
Hey, 2nd Amendmenters! Wanna know what gun Jesus used during his time?
What?
A nail gun!
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.
If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.