Time jokes

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

Why can’t October fool April?

Because only April fools.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

What time do you think dogs are not happy?

Bulldogs.

Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?

A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

I remember the time that Gordon Ramsay did an African food episode... it was a short episode. Too bad he couldn’t find any.

My "choco" is too "late" for lunch.

We spend the weekend getting the poop out!

What would a clock look like with no numbers?

Timeless!

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.