Time jokes

Jokes about menstruation are never funny, period!

What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?

They're both gay and use knives.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent!

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

Why are retards good at basketball?

'Cause they dribble all the time!

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

What time do you think dogs are not happy?

Bulldogs.

Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?

A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

What would a clock look like with no numbers?

Timeless!

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.