I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

Time Jokes
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
You: Find a time clock that can change time.
Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?
You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!
Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
I only listen to waltz 3/4 of the time.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.
I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.
It really gave me a hard time indeed.
You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."
Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?
And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?
Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.
TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!