Time jokes

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.

The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.

There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"

The teacher said, "What about the kids?"

The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."

The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

Why are birds good at social media?

Because they "tweet" all the time!?

What do you call a winter time contact?

A Santa Claus.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

I only listen to waltz 3/4 of the time.

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

You know what, I'm done. We are banning "your mom" jokes. They're old, weird, and have been done thousands of times. Just like your mom.

When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.

It really gave me a hard time indeed.