Time jokes

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

What do you call a winter time contact?

A Santa Claus.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

I only listen to waltz 3/4 of the time.

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

Why are birds good at social media?

Because they "tweet" all the time!?

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.

It really gave me a hard time indeed.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."