Time jokes

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

Why are birds good at social media?

Because they "tweet" all the time!?

I only listen to waltz 3/4 of the time.

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.

It really gave me a hard time indeed.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

Why are all Asians so skinny?

Because last time there was a fat man a whole population disappeared.

When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

What did the robber say to the clock?

Hands up!