Time jokes

Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

Say "ocean" 5 times and you say "oh shit!"

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?

It’s twelve o'clock.

The clock struck one!

Then down did come!

Hickory dickory doc

What am I?

Random- a mouse?

Me- no dumb shit!

Random- what is it?

Me- the guillotine!

Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?

They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father’s or Mother’s Day.

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

I told my boyfriend one time when I was drunk that I like being raped. The next day, he comes over and says, "Want to have sex?" I said no. He was arrested two days later.

Do I do the same for dinner tomorrow morning for you?

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

When you start sweating after filling in "C" for the third time in a row.

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"