One time I was watching TV.
Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!
Me: Omg, really?
Mom: Sike, I lied.
Time Jokes
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
What do Time Clocks like to play?
Tick Tack Toe.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
I was going to buy a watch today, but I didn't have time.
I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
What did the robber say to the clock?
Hands up!
Why do women like Pac-Man so much?
How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?
I have a short TRUE story of how I found out my brother was gay and did "it" with his best friend.
When my brother was 12-13 years old, he fucked his best friend and I saw it. I was like 4-5 years old, UNDERSTANDING what "it" stood for at the time. All I heard was "ahh" and "mmm". The only thing that traumatized me the most was when my brother moaned "daddy". I was so traumatized that I told my mother about it, she rolled her eyes and said, "He's probably playing a game with Evan". BULLSHIT... NO YOU DUMBASS. He was playing the game "SEX", more like "GAY SEX".
I even told my father and he said, "I don't understand what you're trying to say". I told him DIRECTLY that I heard my brother say "daddy" to his damn best friend!
I actually got so curious, I opened the door and saw them doing "69". I was blank white after I saw it. I will NEVER forget that he did "it" with his own best friend.. NEVER forget about it.
(just a btw, I still have the image stuck in my head and never forget how YOUNG he was..)
(He ain't no virgin anymore I guess lmfao.)
(MORE STORIES COMING SOON =D)
Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐
*bowl of dark grapes*
Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.
Friend 2: Black? Good one.
Friend 1: 21 at a time.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
As a hobby, I started taking walks around the old clock tower.
It's a great way to pass the time.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.
One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.
But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇
There’s so many protests. Every time I see "my body, my choice," I can’t tell if we’re protesting the masks or trying to kill babies.
