Time jokes

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

What do you call a winter time contact?

A Santa Claus.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

What did the robber say to the clock?

Hands up!

Why are all Asians so skinny?

Because last time there was a fat man a whole population disappeared.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.

Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!

Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing to this day!

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.

My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."

I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.

It really gave me a hard time indeed.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?