Time jokes
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
how fun
There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.
The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"
The teacher said, "What about the kids?"
The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."
The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"
I only listen to waltz 3/4 of the time.
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
You: Find a time clock that can change time.
Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?
You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!
Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
Why do women like Pac-Man so much?
How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?
What did the robber say to the clock?
Hands up!
When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.