Time jokes

Me: John, what did he do earlier?

John: Hold on, I’m trying to think.

Me: I thought I smelled poop.

Joe mama so fat when she went to the movies, she sat next to everybody.

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time, please."

Joe mama so fat when she stepped on the scale, it said, "To be continued."

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.

What do you call a winter time contact?

A Santa Claus.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

I only listen to waltz 3/4 of the time.

Why are birds good at social media?

Because they "tweet" all the time!?

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"

The teacher said, "What about the kids?"

The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."

The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"

TJ's hairline is so far back, if you travel back in time, you still won't find it.

When is the only time Kamala Harris is using her head? When she is giving head.

I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.

It really gave me a hard time indeed.

Lol, these jokes have been heard millions of times.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

One time I was watching TV.

Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!

Me: Omg, really?

Mom: Sike, I lied.