Time Jokes

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

Why was 10 scared?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.

Me and my friend 2 hours ago

A two-panel image showing the close-up of a cow and a pig looking into the camera. The text above them says, "When the FaceTime connects."

What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?

WATCH OUT!!!

I once made a belt out of clocks.

It was a waist of time.

People wear chokers, and I'm a choker too, because I tried to choke myself 6 times.

if you play minecraft: your dog is still waiting for you in the world you made along time ago.

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”

“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?

Barack Obama.

Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.

25 at a time.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said, "Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back, but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said, "I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

An orphan entered the high school for the first time. He has no knowledge of the school. He went to the secretary and asked where he shall go. The secretary then gave the orphan a schedule and said to the orphan, “Where is homeroom?” The secretary then asked which homeroom number he was assigned, and he said "1." The orphan then started to weep and said that his parents died right as he stole his first base in baseball.