Time jokes

Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.

A little riddle...

Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?

...

Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?

Why do orphans play GTA so much?

Because they can be wanted for once.

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

I like my orphans how I like my wine, locked in my basement for ten.

I once made a belt out of clocks.

It was a waist of time.

I sleep in a castle once every 2 weeks.

It's my fort knight.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

if you play minecraft: your dog is still waiting for you in the world you made along time ago.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

How is a priest like a wristwatch?

They both start at 12.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.