Time jokes

I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

I once made a belt out of clocks.

It was a waist of time.

What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.

People wear chokers, and I'm a choker too, because I tried to choke myself 6 times.

Why was 10 scared?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

How is a priest like a wristwatch?

They both start at 12.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?

I’d hit that.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?

A: "Hit me baby one more time."

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.

They have to come out of the closet sometime.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”