Time jokes
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
What does a clock do when he's still hungry? He goes back "four" seconds!
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
What is a neonatal's first time in the world?
What did the watch say to the failing watch company?
"You better watch it!"
Yo mama so fat, her belly enters the room 10 minutes before she does.
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
If the UK is 6 hours ahead of us, why didn't they just warn us about 9/11?
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s b*tch.”
Hey Siri, skip to Friday!
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
What's the difference between a white and a black fairytale? White begins with, "Once upon a time..." Black begins with, "Y'all motherf...s ain't gonna believe this sh.."
So one time I had a dream where I was on a road trip and we drove a golf cart and a Susan, which I don’t know why the heck the name of the car was called a Susan.
We went into this house and there was like a woman there and we went into this bathroom which looked like a public bathroom, which was so weird!
What do you call two emos spending time together?
Hanging out.
Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
The short kid came earlier than I thought. Guess he came with such short notice.
I like my women like a day: 24 year olds. 24 hours of fun.
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
I bought a belt made of clocks.
It was a waist of time.