Time jokes

Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.

Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.

The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.

"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"

Sally: "You..."

Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"

Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."

Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"

Johnny: "A pig."

Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "

Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"

Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store, and they didn't let her leave.

I went to jail because I gave the orphan kid a calendar with 363 days.

(I deleted Mother's Day and Father's Day.)

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

(First Person): Knock knock, who's there? (2nd Person): Lemme talk to you, when we finna slide, what we finna do, knock knock, who's there, time to make a move, slayin' all then demons and we gotta move in too.

(Second Person): Knock knock, (1st p): who's there, let me talk to you, be careful where you steppin' out cause you ain't bullet proof, knock knock, who's there? time to make a move, block is full of shooters, and they didn't come to hoop.

My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.

Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.

I was watching the news and heard a segment about a blind hooker who got stabbed 40 times.

At least she didn't see it coming.

What do suicidal people do in their spare time? Hang out.

What did a tree do for a human rights day at a tree?

I had no time today after a night with you today, but you walk away.

Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?

"Nepal is a good place because it has been a great time for me."

One time I ate a chair.

It davving on the eons, broski.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.

How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?

They flip it over.