Do you know where time is? because it keeps flying by.
What time did the man go to the Dentist at? Tooth-hurty.
People are like trees…
If you hit them with an ax multiple times, they’ll fall over
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): How are you doing? Me, an autist: Pretty bad honestly. Guy (continued walking past me) Me: …
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
What time is it when you’re kids stay home 🏡 from school? Say no more
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamus
wife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
when do astronauts eat? At launch time.
So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot, then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted “Next time don’t forget the coffee!”
What do you call a dog 🐶 that tells time?
Paddys beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married . The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help . Being a bit of a cheapo , he decides not to buy a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour, still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ’ I’ll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel ' Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years . Paddy taps his mate Mick on teh shoulder and says ‘And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel’ !
I was remembering the time when lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn’t the best Idea especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.
Last time I got a piece of ass was hen my finger went through the toilet paper.
One time, I bought a magnet, my wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn’t help myself, I felt attracted to it.
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
PERSON: I need to go so bad!
TOILET: Long time no pee!!!
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time? Barack Obama
bowl of dark grapes Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men Friend 2: Black? Good one Friend 1: 21 at a time
How may times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh Ten-tickles!
What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair 🦼