Time jokes

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?

Person B: Tentacles?

Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.

what's the worst thing to say to an emo?

if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?

A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"