Time jokes
Everybody was kung flu dying.
It traveled as fast as lightning.
2020 was expert timing.
In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?
"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."
Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?
Person B: Tentacles?
Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
I had a good time with friends!
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.