Time jokes
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
Gas is expensive nowadays.
In the 1940s, they got it for free.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
Memes
Me and my friend 2 hours ago
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
what's the worst thing to say to an emo?
if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.
What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.