Time jokes

Gas is expensive nowadays.

In the 1940s, they got it for free.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?

A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

A girl tried 77.34 (77.34) times to think of a word opposite of BYE. Then her brother divided the word BYE. 77.34 divided by 100. TRY IT!!

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why is April the smartest month?

It can never be fooled.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!