Time jokes
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."
So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.
1 hour before:
So let me get...
Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!
Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*