Time jokes
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.
Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...
...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.
Memes
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.
When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.