Time jokes
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
Gas is expensive nowadays.
In the 1940s, they got it for free.
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?
Person B: Tentacles?
Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.
The lady says, "Come again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
A little riddle...
Trump has it short, Kennedy has it long, the Pope has it but he doesn't use it, what is it?
...
Obviously the Surname, what are you thinking about you pervert?
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.
The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."
The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
what's the worst thing to say to an emo?
if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.