PERSON: I need to go so bad!
TOILET: Long time no pee!!!
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player? A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? same time next month?
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father
My dad told me that his dreams were shatterd a few years ago
Then i asked him how many years ago
He replied with ”when were you born?”
Who are the fastest readers of all time?
People who jumped out of the twin towers. Why? Because they went through 13 stories within 5 seconds.
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple because the emo kid got caught by the rope
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the cheshire cat.
"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing but one sounds like a threat
Did you know there was a record for quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds
I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. last time she just let it go.
If you eat a clock then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a Fat Man, a whole city disappeared.
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It is pasture your bed time
I was walking in the forrest with my gf I had a desert eagle for protection A bear jumped out of the bushes one shot was enough to put my gf down and it gave me enough time to run away
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks "How long am I going to live?" The doctor says "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says"10" The man asks "Ten what?" Then the doctor keeps going"6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1"
You know every time we think of sex an angel dies.
We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.
If two blind people meet, one of them says: Long time, no see
