Time jokes
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
What do suicidal people do in their spare time? Hang out.
Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?
Every time French people greet me, they say "banjo."
Nga, I don't got no fucking banjo.
My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite song?
Deja Vu.
Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over.
Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
So you mom call she side when Covin come home?
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
12/8?
What is the best time!? 6:22 a.m.
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.