Time jokes
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Why can't homosexuals get car insurance?
They've been rear-ended too many times.
you.
What's the difference between a white and a black fairytale? White begins with, "Once upon a time..." Black begins with, "Y'all motherf...s ain't gonna believe this sh.."
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.
For 20 seconds.
And only once... :(
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:
"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"