Time jokes
Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?
We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.
Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.
Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"
"Yeah, I'm taking her home."
He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
The first hardest thing. 🍆
Me all the time :
Good Morning! Have a Great Day!
#Ijustwokeup
Morbius is definitely one of the movies ever made. One of the movies of all time.
Hey guys, it's cake time!
Yo mama is so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
This will happen in your future, though, now because you're mean.
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
How do terrorists feed their children?
"Here comes the airplane!"
My grandpa and your hairline go way back.
It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.
Weird.
Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.
A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Producer: We need to stop testing out products on animals.
CEO: Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Fairchild Republic making the A-10 Thunder Bolt.
An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.
Yo mama so old that when she farts, she farts dust!