Time jokes

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

What's the difference between a white and a black fairytale? White begins with, "Once upon a time..." Black begins with, "Y'all motherf...s ain't gonna believe this sh.."

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

Sir, I mustache you a question...

Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.

Yo mama so fat, One Punch Man had to punch 3 times.

what's the worst thing to say to an emo?

if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"