Time Jokes

Weather is like sex. Once In a while you need to get wet.

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

Alabama. Every time there's a family reunion a baby is born 9 months later.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Life is like a film it goes on but you can cut at anytime

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Osama Bin Laden is the best Angry Birds player of all time.

why are people in japan so slim. bcuz the last time a fatman came the lost half their population

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty”

That’s when Penaldo asked “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

Why do strippers never care about things?

Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for 20$ an hour.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :) -> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game and here in this world we are here for each other although at times it might not seem like it. keep strong and you'll find the end of the tunnel but ending the pain and bieng gone just spreads depression.

In my free time, I like to help blind people

Verb, not adjective

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!

How do you make any salad int a Cesar salad? you stab it 23 times.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or no legs. One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No." The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before." The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked." The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"