Time jokes

My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.

Yo mama so fat, One Punch Man had to punch 3 times.

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

Osama Bin Laden is the best Angry Birds player of all time.