Time

Time jokes

News

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

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  • Fairytale

    What's the difference between a white and a black fairytale? White begins with, "Once upon a time..." Black begins with, "Y'all motherf...s ain't gonna believe this sh.."

  • 2
  • School Shooter

    When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

    Breakdance

    I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

    For 20 seconds.

    And only once... :(

    Memes

    Trump

    Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.

    Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"

    Trump: "Screw the women and children!"

    Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"

    Man

    Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

    Monopoly

    I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

    Mom

    My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago, but she didn't tell me what it was... Anyways, I'm turning 14 next month.

    Emo

    what's the worst thing to say to an emo?

    if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.

    Dad

    Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

    They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.

    Clock

    What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

    Woman

    Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

    Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

    Fatman

    why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.

    Clock

    Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.

    Mustache

    Sir, I mustache you a question...

    Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.