Time Jokes

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?

Time to walk with your dog 🐶!

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

Two guys were on a hunting trip, and after the first day of hunting, they didn’t see anything, so they decided the next day they would split up and meet back at the fire at dinner time.

After a day of hunting, they meet back at the fire, and one hunter asked the other, “How did your day go?”

The one hunter said, “I had the best day ever! I went down the hill and hunted by the train tracks and saw the hottest chick ever. We had sex for hours in every position you could think of.”

Then the other hunter asked him, “Was she a good lookin’ blond?” And he said, “Oh, I don’t know, I didn’t find her head.”

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Your hairline is so bad, it goes back in time!

Man from 2001 just called. They want a tower back.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

What's the only time a Pentagon has four sides? When a plane intercepts into it.

What goes up but never comes down?

I poo 11 times a day.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time she sang the line “fire away,” someone started shooting!

When I saw Stephen Hawking for the first time, I knew he had been in a shop!!! I lieeeeeeeeed! 🤣🤣🤣

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.