Time jokes

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.

Yo mama so fat, her belly button got 15 minutes before her.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?

They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

My grandpa and your hairline go way back.

I would have loved to ride the Titanic at least once ;)

iykyk

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

What do Karens do when they have free time?

They do KARENoke and sing a Karen song.

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

Guess what's "tiiiimmeeeee ABDE?"

....yes, it is "long time no see."

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "She was a little tardy."

I asked her, "I thought they all were."

Why can’t you tell JFK facts about Dallas?

Last time he was there, he got his mind blown.