Time jokes

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

Stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."

Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store, and they didn't let her leave.

Yo momma is so old, she farts dust!

Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

When did I wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

What brakes but never falls, and what falls but never brakes?

Answer: Night falls and dawn brakes.

Good day today, love you. Walk in love day and a walk home night. Night, night. I did not get snow. I love it is the day that we get a tree. I have to go get some sleep. Was good day at school today, but I’m going to be...

Good day tomorrow, and what day are they still good today? Good time. Love day! A great night time and...

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

Why are orphans so sad?

Because every time they swallow, they think... "You should have Mom."

Why do your orphans not drink beer?

Because last time they did, he went to suck some dudes' toes, then he tried to take him to his parents, but I guess that never happened.

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

What did the beach say when the tide came in?

"Long time no sea."

What's the difference between a girl eating Taco Bell and doing sex a few times? Nothing. Something always comes out.

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.