My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.
Time Jokes
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
That autistic kid having sex for the first time:
"U The Hips, U The Hips!"
"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered!"
Is your hairline a time traveler, because it went way back?
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.
What did the North Tower say to the South Tower in summer?
"Are you ready for fall?"
I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.
Hello, everyone, how is your day today?
I read to deaf kids in my spare time.
Yo mama so fat, her belly button got 15 minutes before her.
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?
They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
My grandpa and your hairline go way back.
I would have loved to ride the Titanic at least once ;)
iykyk
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
What do Karens do when they have free time?
They do KARENoke and sing a Karen song.
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
