Time jokes
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing. Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
One time, a cow saved my life.
It was bovine intervention.
Can February march? -- No, but April may.
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
Because it was Luke warm.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.