Time jokes
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: The 9/11 victims. They went through 20 stories in seconds.
What's the best part of having sex with a baby?
Deep throat and anal at the same time.
What do you call it when a watch has too many belts?
A waist of your time.
My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!
What do you call a person with only one arm?
Half-assed.
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."
Why did the boy shoot the clock?
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
What did the clock say when it got punched at noon?
It’s twelve o'clock.
I always talk to my taco before I eat it.
One time it said it was having a bad day and I asked what's wrong. He said I don't want to taco 'bout it!
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow herd.
Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.
Lady: What did you do?
Man: I took a day off...
Yo mama so old, she was in third grade with Moses.
John took a bath with bubbles.
Bubbles was a man.
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis? A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.