Thing jokes

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.

What's the worst living thing on planet earth?

Humans.

What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!

What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?

Sit down and shut up.

Who gets more dick, straight male rap fans or straight male swifties? Answer: Straight male rap fans, because there’s no such thing as a straight male swiftie.

I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?

The second hour is free.

I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.

When you're asked to tell a crazy story, but the first thing that comes up to your mind is a suicide attempt:

"Oh, I don't remember anything in particular. 😅😀"

Hey girl, are you a scientist?

Cause you made my thing into a baking soda volcano.

What is the worst thing that Nazis have done?

Adolf Hit-her.

Picture of yo mama last Christmas and the damn thing’s still printing.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

If a black person calls you a cracker, let them say it. You can say things they can't say, like, "Thanks for the warning, officer!"

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.

What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?

There's no stage 5.

My girlfriend asked, "Why is this test so long and hard?"

I then said, "You know what else is long and hard..."

She was amazed!