Thing jokes

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

Jack and Jill went up my ass to eat a big dildo, but Jack died cause he got hit by a brown thing.

Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

Your fay.

Well, you're the thing that sunk the Titanic.

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.

What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!

What's the worst living thing on planet earth?

Humans.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

Picture of yo mama last Christmas and the damn thing’s still printing.

I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Who gets more dick, straight male rap fans or straight male swifties? Answer: Straight male rap fans, because there’s no such thing as a straight male swiftie.

What's one thing your dad shares with black men? Your sister.

What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?

The second hour is free.

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

Hey girl, are you a scientist?

Cause you made my thing into a baking soda volcano.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

The last thing the victims were thinking was, "Is there 9 or 11 stories?"