Thing jokes

So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.

What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!

What's the worst living thing on planet earth?

Humans.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

Hey girl, are you a scientist?

Cause you made my thing into a baking soda volcano.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

The last thing the victims were thinking was, "Is there 9 or 11 stories?"

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

The thing about 9/11 and the jokes about it, for most people it flew over their head, for some it flew into their head.

What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid?

"I like ya cut G" means two different things.

Orgasm means two things:

1. During you masturbate.

2. You torture phantoms.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Q. What’s the only good thing about child molesters?

A. They drive slow through school zones.

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

Why do emo people go to the store with no money?

Because they just scan their bar code and get everything free.

Having cockroaches in the house is a sign that you've food.

These things are like Ugandan girls, they hate poverty.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.