Theft jokes
Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?
I hear they got six months each.
We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.
I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.
What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?
"Drop it, Jamal!"
I stole one's balls.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.
The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!
To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”
My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.
Have a guess who came crawling back?
If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
"Hi, this is Dave's orphanage—you make it, we take it."
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
I'm so poor that I had to rob a food bank for a loaf of bread.
A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
Why was the gay boy fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught embezzling.
In a world of feline folly, There lived a cat with a secret, A taste for adventure and mischief, And a love for KFC's golden treat.
With eyes like emerald jewels, And fur as black as night, This feline prowled the streets, In search of a savory delight.
Oh, how it yearned for chicken, Crispy and finger-lickin' good, But the cat knew it had to be sly, To satisfy its craving like it should.
Through alleyways it stealthily tiptoed, With nimble paws and a stealthy glide, Until it stumbled upon a secret, That made its hunger amplified.
A stash of KFC's golden eggs, Hidden away from prying eyes, An accidental treasure trove, A feast fit for a feline paradise.
With each stolen egg devoured, The cat's satisfaction grew, The taste of crispy breading, And juicy chicken, it knew.
Word soon spread of this food bandit, A legend of a cat so bold, Whispers echoed through the town, Of the one who stole the KFC gold.
But the cat with the KFC get eggs, Remained a mystery to all, A phantom of the night it became, Leaving no trace, no trail to recall.
And so, it continues its nightly quest, For chicken that satisfies its soul, The cat with the KFC get eggs, Forever on the prowl, never to be controlled.
Why is Ireland so gay?
Because the Brits stole all their women.