Ring

Ring Jokes

Wife

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

Super glue

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

Wife

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

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  • Teacher

    A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

    Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

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  • Dad

    Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

    Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

    Bird

    One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."

    Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"

    Slap

    An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

    The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

    The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

    The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

    The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

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  • Fart

    Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

    Self Harm

    You know how in Pinocchio the French puppets have the thigh rings?

    Well, I got them too! Only red and thinner.

    Jewelry

    Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.

    Yo mama

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.

    Doorbell

    Why did the doorbell have a good sense of humor?

    Because it got everybody's pokes!

    Time

    How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

    She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

    Saturn

    What song does Saturn sing?

    "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."