Steal jokes
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.
Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?
Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.
Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.
A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.
I scanned an emo girl's arm the other day. Now I own her, only 3.99 with tax. That's a steal and a half, woopeeee!
When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.
I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.
Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?
Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.
I didn't steal it. 🌚
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.
What do you do when a French kid steals your pencil?
Load your MP-40 and tell him that you give him a history lesson on WWII.
The penalty for a homeless person being caught stealing bread is an expensive, luxurious prison cell, which is located indoors and comes with free bread and water.
Aren't our governments wizards? Scrooge would be proud.
So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.