Theft jokes

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

How did black people learn to steal sports cars?

By playing GTA nonstop.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Why did Marx never drink Earl Grey?

Because proper tea is theft.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier? “Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."

Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"

Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.