Theft

Theft jokes

Lamp

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

Orphan

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

Bakery

The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!

Poor

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

Wheelchair

Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Crime

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

Glass

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

Camera

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

Zipper

Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?

Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.

Shit

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

Tea

Why do emo kids drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

Egg

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

Home

I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.

Orphan

An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.

Tea

Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Grandma

I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.