What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?
Your camera.
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?
Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
Why do emo kids drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.
So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."
I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."
An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.
I know a Chinese joy rider, Tommy Tookamotor.
A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.
I don't have any now.
