Theft jokes
I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.
Guess who likes vegetables now?
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
I stole one's balls.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"
She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.
He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"
An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?
"Drop it, Jamal!"
If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?
I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.
In a world of feline folly, There lived a cat with a secret, A taste for adventure and mischief, And a love for KFC's golden treat.
With eyes like emerald jewels, And fur as black as night, This feline prowled the streets, In search of a savory delight.
Oh, how it yearned for chicken, Crispy and finger-lickin' good, But the cat knew it had to be sly, To satisfy its craving like it should.
Through alleyways it stealthily tiptoed, With nimble paws and a stealthy glide, Until it stumbled upon a secret, That made its hunger amplified.
A stash of KFC's golden eggs, Hidden away from prying eyes, An accidental treasure trove, A feast fit for a feline paradise.
With each stolen egg devoured, The cat's satisfaction grew, The taste of crispy breading, And juicy chicken, it knew.
Word soon spread of this food bandit, A legend of a cat so bold, Whispers echoed through the town, Of the one who stole the KFC gold.
But the cat with the KFC get eggs, Remained a mystery to all, A phantom of the night it became, Leaving no trace, no trail to recall.
And so, it continues its nightly quest, For chicken that satisfies its soul, The cat with the KFC get eggs, Forever on the prowl, never to be controlled.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."