Theft jokes

My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.

Have a guess who came crawling back?

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

How do you make antifreeze?

You steal her blanket.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?

Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.

Why do emo kids drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

What is the legal term for shoplifting?

10 fingers discount.