Yo mama so old, when she left the antique shop, the alarm went off.
Theft Jokes
Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?
Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.
Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?
Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.
Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.
Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?
I hear they got six months each.
A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.
The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?
Your dog is gone. ;)
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
What did the orphan say to its parents?
"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"
They people: "No."
Why can't orphans be robbers?
Because they're not wanted.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.
Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Why can't orphans steal bases?
Because they can't find home.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.
That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!
My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.
Have a guess who came crawling back?
Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.
He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
