Theft jokes

Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

Why can't orphans steal bases?

Because they can't find home.

I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?

Roses are red, Get on the ground, Gimme your stuff, Get ready to drown!

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣

Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.

I always use chloroform when stealing a child.

"Hi, this is Dave's orphanage—you make it, we take it."

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. She came crawling back!

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.