Theft jokes

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

Yo mama so old, when she left the antique shop, the alarm went off.

Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?

Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.

Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?

Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?

Your dog is gone. ;)

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

Why can't orphans be robbers?

Because they're not wanted.

Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Why can't orphans steal bases?

Because they can't find home.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."

Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they'll steal all the green cards.

What do you get when you cross a Chinese and an Indian man?

A car thief who can't drive.

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!