Theft jokes

You're so poor, when a robber robs your house, they feel bad for you and just leave.

To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?

Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.

He finally got up there, but a bird stole his co-.

We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.

I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.

If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

Why was the gay boy fired from the sperm bank?

He was caught embezzling.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was found guilty of robbery?

- He robbed children of their innocence.

Q: How do you know if a gang of Chinese people robbed your house?

A: All the rice is gone.

Someone stole my balls :(

Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

"Hi, this is Dave's orphanage—you make it, we take it."