Speed jokes
Who are the fastest readers?
911 victims, they went through 72 stories in less than 10 seconds.
What do queer guys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 7 seconds.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
Your mom is so slow it took her 9 months to create a joke.
As soon as I saw your mom, my Premature Ejaculation went off.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
Why do the brakes keep squealing?
Because the driver hit it too hard.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.
Where would the next Formula race happen?
Answer: On your flat chest.
If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣
Your mama is so slow, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
Bro, you ever think while driving the moped why they call it a footrest when the foot never lets it rest? The foot is working harder than the engine. You push, push, but still go the same speed like a turtle with a bad mood during a rabbit race...
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?