Speed jokes

What is the epitome of being quick on the draw?

Coming both first and last in the same round of "soggy biscuit".

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.

"Ketchup with me, you are too slow."

You're a train; you ran fast on these rails, but you gain nothing, you only gain pain.

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."

How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.

Why did the fastest cat get kicked out of school?

He was a cheetah.

Bro, you ever think while driving the moped why they call it a footrest when the foot never lets it rest? The foot is working harder than the engine. You push, push, but still go the same speed like a turtle with a bad mood during a rabbit race...

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 67 stories in 0.67 milliseconds.

What do you call a car on the side of the road, lit up and ablaze?

Paul Walker's death.

How fast is the speed of sex?

68 because at 69 you've got to turn around.

I looked up how fast cum shoots and it said 28 mph. That means that ejaculation is illegal in school zones!

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.

My boat is super fast, so I named it Usain.

Usain Boat.

Black people run fast.

If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.

Who are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims, they went through 91 stories in 11.2 seconds.

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭