I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
Why don’t cheetahs get married?
They always cheat on each other.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
The cheetah had a race with a lion, and the cheetah won.
The lion was like, "Why you always a cheetah?"
The cheetah was like, "Why you always lion (lying)?"
What do you call a running chicken?
Scared.
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?
I give a fuck if my computer crashes.
My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
What do we want? Racecar noises!
When do we want them? NEOWWWWW!
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?
Speed humps.
Wanna hear a joke about the Flash?
"Never mind, it's too fast."
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
