Someone's jokes

What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

What do you call someone in a wheelchair during a California fire?

A steamed vegetable.

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

Why couldn’t the midget talk?

Because someone stepped on him.

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.

If I were alone on an island with Camilla Cabello, and we were never going to escape, I'd rape her. I mean, what is she going to do? Tell someone?

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

Someone asked me where to find de wae?

I replied with: Oh, de wea, that's a shop. It's down the road.

Why do orphans go to church?

So they have someone to call father.