Someone's jokes

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

How can you surprise someone who is blind?

Leave a plunger in the toilet.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.

Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

Serial murderer Ed Gein was famed for raping, killing, and skinning his victims.

When he was asked why he did it, he responded, "You don't know someone until you walk around in their skin."

Someone asked me my gender... I said, "Woah, man."

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.

Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?

A. An assault rifle.

Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

Ok, there has to be SOMEONE on this website right now. Whoever that is, wanna chat? (I'm just bored)

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.